"Questioning faith" (venting)

Ever catch yourself questioning faith?

Like "God, if you love me, why would you ever put me up in this place?"

And I remember the times I used to be up in his face. But ,now,  it seem like we lost sight & touch like a man that got burnt from his hand to his face.

Now, I read the word everyday but I rarely get to feeling it. And post pictures on Instagram ; of life and how you should deal wit it , but ...

Im still straddling this fence between the world , and God.

My heart is still filled with so much world-ly pride...

And yes, I know that that's a deadly sin and i pray everyday: "God, keep me from the sinning"

But walk into the world ,

A giant pool that we swim in.  

Of drugs , and "love" .

And alcohol to erase feelings - we hope to never mention...

But they come up when we least expect it .

We young kids , man we feel neglected,

Man we need protection.

And everything is only 99 percent. But what about that one?

 Lord, did you really send your son?

To die for a sinner like me?

I know I've read it, John three sixteen, its gettin heavy.

These feelings overflowing ,

about to burst through eyes and mouth like a levee .(words & tears.) 

And I don't even know where I stand.

Just a questioning faith lil man.

And I use "man" lightly, cause i still havent gotten it in. 

20 year old virgin ; i often wonder "do these girls really like me?"

And met some backstabbers though who really wanna knife me.

But, dawg , don't be appalled; this be on my mind nightly...

And “I ain't even close to finished.”

Says the man wit a empty bottle of ciroc in his hands . 

now , how is he supposed to finish?

I graduated school and tried to make it to the army

and they told me that its too much weight on me,

how they know?

I thought I never let my feelings show.

A quiet dude , i let this loud let my feelings go.

that was temporary , cause when I come down ; life is still scary!

Just a , young man questioning faith.

Writing down whatever dislodges in my Brain.

And a lot of people got some "diss Elijah's" on they brain ,

Like, am I really that important? Y'all playing high school games.

Which ironic cause we in college, well, you in college,

I haven't yet started.

Should've took advantage of the opportunity of free 2 years.

But due to poor decision making; ima be behind my class by 2 - 3 years.

I shed a few tears ,

just at the fact, when you fail once,

there ain't no coming back.

So I gotta get up and enroll for classes.

Cause I ain't Tryna be no aunt jemima ; no molasses.

Aha. No. Nah I've never been slow.

peep , i was in honors classes. 

whenever i got the green light I was one of the first to go !

never forgetting my glasses.

and now things are more clear.

just wish my dreams would come near though. 

Questioning faith ,

Like "faith, why my problems so BIG! Is this how life is? "

This how I don't wanna live.

And I was a BADBOY as a kid.

But that's the past .

now . I'm just Tryna live.

Questioning faith.

Try to live day to day.

Hearts' aching; Hope they don't break.

She said she in it for the long haul.

And there's no getting her away.

So, What did I do to make it fade?

1. Lusting after women?
2. Worrying about money?
3. Blowing all these trees?

My life is windy,  partly sunny.

So I be in my room ,

Writing these looking bummy.

Haven’t eaten in days ,

But these feelings fill my tummy,

And I wash it down with tears.

But I keep running from my fears,

Lord , just help me get up out of here …

Just wanna get up out of here.