"Survivors guilt"

Looking back on my past I'm like "yo how you make it?"

Cause most my homies they jailed, or their lives were taken.

Got me sitting at this round table, meetings with my lord.

Every single day ask him "why you keeping me here for?"

What I do right?

Know I did wrong.

But you still love me.

Lord I just gotta know....

How can they stand to live happily? Guilt,

The guilt hammering at my conscious part,

Grief, the grief tearing at my heart,

You loved me way before the start.

Then that one event that made my world shift.

I know of pain, but I never felt it like this.

So severe, I heard they left the homie on the street.

Shot to the heart, he laid in his blood where he went to sleep, for freakin' ever.

Another death in the family, they ditched my big bro.

Couldn't even make the funereal, hope he know I'm missing him though.

Somehow he lost his life, even the cops don't know, so let me find out ill ride out and get who did it myself.

For real.

Dead on Arrival.

Had a brother barely born;

Cause he was dead on arrival.

Learning things like that,

Make me question my survival.

That could've been me.

Why am I alive yo?

Because it's Death in the air.

They spray what they wanna.

& shoot first, ask questions after it's all said & done.

Was once innocent,

Now we all carry tools.

Not in construction,

But we ain't any fools...

Don't wanna be a picture on any t-shirt.

Or have our mothers crying on our fathers'.

Last regret.

Don't wanna be a last regret.

Something they forget.

Weighed down by guilt.

Should I just forfeit?

Or keep going?

Looking back on my past I'm like "yo how you make it?"

Cause most of my best friends in jail or their lives were taken.

Got me sitting in this room with God asking how come mine wasn’t.

Then he told me "you survived because it wasn't your time. Was it?"

-EP